Peace: tranquilty, calmness, composure, restfulness, contentment.
I’m heavy hearted friends as I write this post and since declaring on instagram my ‘word’ for the year as peace, I’m realizing now just how desperate I am for it.
Just a couple of weeks ago, we celebrated a friend’s victory over cancer as she finished her final round of chemo and radiation. And now today, only a few days later, we mourn it’s ugly return..not in her breast as it was the first time, but this time in her brain. “They stopped counting at eight tumors”, she told me and quite honestly, I didn’t hear much after that. All I could say is “I don’t know what to say.”
I find myself in yet another situation asking why. Why now? Why at all? Our celebration was too short-lived…. I mean really, I had just texted her a picture of me wearing her t-shirt, proudly displaying her name and favorite bible verse, in honor of her victory. But here she is again, forced to travel down another difficult and exhausting, unknown road.
Unknown. That’s the scariest part of it all. I myself remember feeling afraid mostly of what I didn’t know. That’s also the control freak part of me. But you see, that’s how our God works—it’s all on a need to know basis. Why? Because it’s a matter of trust. Trusting him that He knows best and simply put—we don’t.
I remember one day during my chemo-it was a rough day-I had been praying fervently that he would be so gracious as to help ease my side effects. That day my prayers went unanswered. As I stewed in anger, I also remember clearly the God of Heaven speaking to me as a father speaks to his own child saying, “I need to know you’ll trust me even when you don’t get your way.” Uhhh..hello. Wow. That’s when I learned what this is all about–Him. Not me. Not us.
That was a pretty big awakening for me. He was only trying to make his point. To remind me that he’s got this. There’s nothing in the universe that’s not under his control. How can I compete with that? The answer is I can’t and I’m only causing myself unnecessary worry by trying to! Wouldn’t it be much simpler if I gave up trying to handle it all, trying to fix everything and just have peace that the Creator already has it figured out!?
And that’s the exact crossroads I tearfully face again for my friend. I can choose to trust him—even if I have no idea what he’s doing or the outcome he has in mind–or I can waste time and energy worrying about why and how I can fix it. You can bet I won’t get far by traveling the ‘fix it’ road. 😉
Because what he does promise through any path we’re ordained to take is that he’ll be walking beside us, if not carrying us when we’re unable to walk it on our own. That’s what peace is-knowing we’re not alone. Peace is being able to rest along the way, sleep as he shepherds his sheep and surrender control of that crippling unknown. Because one day, I look forward to celebrating victory with her again.